The 4 year anniversary of my Mom's death is quickly approaching. It's always emotional for me but mainly because the rest of my family marks the day and relives their sadness every single year...while I try viciously to let go of mine.
Since my Mom was diagnosed, I felt different than I think most others did. I knew, with everything in my heart that I was going to lose her to cancer but for some fucked up reason, I kept hoping for a miracle. I dreamed about saying good bye to her over and over. I replayed the damn eulogy in my head until I was pretty certain I knew what I would say to people that day. And this all played out while she was still trying to fight. I am fairly certain that makes me one screwed up human on some levels.
I never spoke to her about the thoughts I had. I was her cheerleader. It was my role and I wasn't about to let down the woman who my very world rotated around. But inside, I was ripped apart. Every day. Each time I heard her voice. Saw her. Parts of me were just reminded that I was going to lose it all.
That isn't to say that I didn't cry. I just didn't let that part escape very often. 1 year and 5 months. That's how long it took. Every day watching her slip away in an ugly, horrible battle. That I knew she wouldn't win.
Part of me feels like I betrayed her feeling the way that I did. But other parts of me feel like she knew it too.
I still don't feel like I have dealt with my grief. If that is indeed what this pile of emotions deserves to be called. I am just lost. Floundering. 4 years and I still wake up and think about calling her. Wishing for my miracle. I don't think I feel this way because I am refusing to let go. I think I feel this way because the world has been programmed that we have to hold on to sadness when someone we love dies...or when anything comes to an end really. Why?
Why can't we be sad for a bit and then get over it? Why do I have to feel an empty gaping hole with regard to the loss of my Mom? She filled me with life. Isn't it doing her a great big dishonor if I mope around about her dying? Why am I sitting here, feeling like the odd man out because I am ok with this part of life? I mean, yes, I miss her but fuck...my life is still in front of me and I want to live it. Can't I let go? Isn't THAT what normal should be?
In a few days, I will be reminded of her death again. I hate it. September 15. I don't want to be sad. Somehow my message and what I hope for never transpires. I want to be able to let go of this sadness that I feel. I want to stop crying over movies where someone gets cancer and it reminds me of how fucking much it sucks. I want to stop being afraid of making my kids replay this part of my life with me having the staring roll. And that is a genuine fear of mine.
My life is amazing. Yep. I lost my mom. Cancer sucks more than anything I have ever witnessed. I am sad sometimes that she is gone. But most of the time, I love the life I have because of her. I am tired of having to conform and feeling like I have to remember. I wish I could forget, because it fucking hurt. Hell, it still does sometimes when I allow it to. Those cathartic cries that I blame on missing my mom...the fact is, sometimes life and people just make me sad and her death is somehow an acceptable reason to be allowed to cry.
Grief is a liar. It's a great thing to have at the beginning of a loss but after that it's just a good excuse to cry.
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